The Queen of Winstead

Thank you, God...it's Friday and that is good!

noreply@blogger.com (The Queen of Winstead) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 20:22:00 +0000

Yes, it has finally come and I only have one more hour of work today and then...game on...weekend! God certainly knew that we needed weekends, therefore it was! Yes, I believe that God created all things good. Wine, shopping, roses, wine, weekends, the beach, cats, dogs, kids (until they are 13) wine, cigarettes, sex, I Love Lucy, Andy Griffith, boob implants, wine...well, the list goes on but you get the general idea.

Then there are snakes. I know that it says in the bible that God made snakes. I have had this conversation with my evangelical seven year old. But I absolutely detest snakes. I will run over them and back up to run over them again. One day we came across a nasty-ass-rotten-heathen snake sunning in the road. I judged my distance, slowed down very slow to really crunch him and then baby son says, "Mom, they are God's creatures. He made them too." After much discussion, (still keeping my eye on the nasty-ass-rotten-heathen snake) I finally gave up and I said with all of my mommy-wisdom that has been bestowed upon me, "He made 'em but he don't like 'em either." (Imagine Clint Eastwood's voice, complete with squint and cigarette hanging out of my mouth as I jam the car in reverse to run over this snake for the sixth time.) "How do you know that, Mom?" asked this angel of love and compassion. "Because they ain't got no legs! They made God mad and he took 'em away!"

Thinking of that conversation reminded me of one that the King and I had last weekend. He was on the ladder in our bathroom changing out blown light bulbs in the ceiling fixture. He put the last bulb in and we turned on the switch illuminating with about 600 watts! I like it bright. Automatically, as with anything good, you need to be thankful. I was as I remarked, "And God said Let there be light and all was good in the hood!"

Now I know why I have never taught Sunday School!

Ya'll have a great weekend! Muwah...The Queen

A Selection From The Queen's Bedtime Storybook

noreply@blogger.com (The Queen of Winstead) — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 15:12:00 +0000

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.

The crocodile looked up and said,'Hey you!'So the koala looked down at him and said,'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...How much water did you drink!?'

Happy Thursday, ya'll! Love, The Queen

Quick post 'cause I gots to do better...

noreply@blogger.com (The Queen of Winstead) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 20:49:00 +0000

An open letter to Annie: (my nail technician)

Dear Annie (which by the way, I am 110% sure that is not your birth name),

It is so fucking hard to find one hour every two weeks to take the time to visit your facility and get my nails all prettied up. But I do. You see, I am a really prissy bitch so not having pretty nails burns me a new anal orifice. (Look that one up in your translation dictionary).

However, having to go back two days after you do them because you didn't let the fucking gel cure correctly on my little fingertips is a real pisser.

What's worse, dear one, is when two days after you half-assed the repair, the gel started to chip again making my little french tips look like sun baked fish scales glued on my long but lovely fingers!

And to top it off, you charged me $30.oo, expected your customary $5.00 tip and then had the nerve to ask the chick in charge, (the only one that can speak and understand the King's English)if there was a charge for the repair that happened because you fucked up!!

Well, Annie, there happens to be about 5678 different nail salons in town. So this week when I can steal away to get my nails done I will go to Susie's Number 1 Perfect Nail, Lee Top Nail, Wong's Long Dong Nail and let Susie, Lee or Mr. Long Dong perform their magic on my nails! Not you!

Thank you for the really bad nail job and I hope your regs, I mean legs, grow together!!!

Sincerely,

The Queen

Damn,how time flies when you don't blog! Or...I'm a lazy bitch!

noreply@blogger.com (The Queen of Winstead) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 20:37:00 +0000

This is my first post of 2009 which wouldn’t be so bad but it is June and here in my neck of the woods it is hotter than Satan’s armpit. Also, the humidity is a bitch!
I have no idea why I have always lived in the south, southeast, shit, North Carolina. I was born here. I have some remaining family here. I have some friends here. The beach and the mountains are not more than 2-3 hours away at best. But given all that, I should have left for a while anyway.
My husband pulled up stakes and left for California in his twenties. He’s been a goldminer, a cowboy/ranch hand, and a bartender to name a few. He tells me these stories and I can’t imagine. No goldmining for me! I am claustrophobic and well, it just wouldn’t go over real well when I hyperventilate and have a bad period at the same time. Cowboy? I’m scared shitless of horses and refuse to wear a hat due to “hat hair”. I have always envied a couple of my friends because they look so cool in a ball cap. It’s fucks with my doo and that is not good! Bartending is another no-go for me. I LOVE a good cold beer or twelve and can talk the horns off of a billy goat. Soon, I’d forget which side of the bar I was supposed to be on. Customers? What customers?
Needless to say, I probably would not have survived moving away from all that is familiar to me. Nope, I probably have done the right thing by being a citizen of Mayberry. Which one, though?
Helen? Nope, Helen was always a little on the uppity side for me!

Thelma Lou?
Way too sweet! Also, led by Helen…Uppity!

The there is the older folks…Clara Edwards…

Too damned nosy and two-faced. A shit-stirrer!

Awww, everybody loved Charlene Darling! I hate ribbons in any grown woman’s hair…sorry!

Well, that leaves this one:

Yep, always, happy Otis…
Okay, folks, first and maybe last post of 2009! Let’s go have a drink and toast the NEW YEAR!!! (I’ll drink to that!) Love, The Queen AKA Otis Campbell

Whoda Thunk It?!

noreply@blogger.com (The Queen of Winstead) — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 14:47:00 +0000

Okey, Dokey, first things first... http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,331816,00.html

Drew Petersons third wife was murdered by drowning! Well, I am shocked! I am appalled! Whoda fuckin thunk it!!! This fucktard, asswipe, cunthead...(all other various and assorted vulgar names, insert here___)I cannot wait until they put his ass under the far right corner of the jail.

Is it something about the last name Peterson? Scott Peterson killed Lacy Peterson. Michael Peterson killed Kathleen Peterson. Drew Peterson may have killed Kathleen his third wife and it ain't looking too good for number 4 wife, Stacy Peterson as she has been missing for a few months now. But wait, lets look at the similarities between Michael and Drew. Michael had been the last person with Elizabeth Ratliffe(a friend of his) in Germany that fell down a flight of stairs for her entrance into the afterlife. Ruled an accident. After Kathleen (his wife) met the same fate with the same entrance into the afterlife, they dug up poor Elizabeth and ruled it a homicide. Michael's ass is now sitting here in a prison in Nawf C'lina. Drew was the last person with Kathleen Savio (ex or soon-to-be-ex). Kathleen's bathtub death was ruled an accident. When his fourth wife (Stacy) went mysteriously missing...you guessed it...sure 'nough dug up poor Kathleen and it is now ruled a homicide.

My advice to Drew, run, they are going to nail your sorry ass. But don't run towards Nawf C'lina. We do not put up with that kind of shit here!

Secondly, to all of you lovely ladies out there, if your future spouse is named Peterson, Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On a serious note, there is no excuse for domestic abuse. If you can't live with a person without verbally or physically assaulting them, GET THE FUCK OUT! Especially before it gets to the point of taking a human life.

So, what's happening at the castle, you may wonder?

King's birthday went off wonderfully. We took a road trip to the beach last weekend. We love the drive and there is a particular flea market that we enjoy visiting. So last Saturday, sans the kids, we set off to the beach.

It's not very unusual for the King to take a detour along the way. If he happens to see a particular road that he's never been on, he'll just turn down it, get us lost, and eventually we get on course again. Happens every time we take a trip. No different, Saturday except, this was a little strange as to where he wanted to go. I HAD to see this place. After circling on and off of the highway like fucking buzzards for thirty minutes, he found this place...

A funking mental hospital!!!! Why pray tell did I have to see a looney bin, nut house, squirrel cage...is he trying to tell me something? Is this my future address? Shit, is this his birthday present to himself...to have my ass committed? I began to ponder...and ponder...and ponder. At the end of this endless tour, the Queen was holding on to the seat and sweating profusely. This amused the King MUCHLY.

Until, the Queen got even by doing this to all of the folks walking around the hospital:

It did not take long to get back on track to the beach!

Fuck with the Queen. I think not.

We have the greatest, craziest times together. He truly is my best friend!

But, I did get one over on him with his gift. He continually buys me very sweet gifts and trinkets that he knows I'll love. This year I bought him a new computer. (The only thing he loves almost as good as boinking the Queen is his computer, and it died this week.) That being said, he was speechless! I am so thankful that I was able to do that for him on his birthday this year.

I don't talk a lot about my work. For the most part, I really enjoy my job even though it entails working with thirteen Goddesses/Divas. I can usually put up with them but this one Goddess/Diva grips my asshole in such a way that you couldn't get a needle between my ass cheeks with a jackhammer. This is what she looks like:

Bitch in Pink!!!

Just had to get that off of my chest!

It's Friday, I've done my dance, hope all of you have a safe, drama free weekend. Peace out, love to ya and all that shit! The Queen

Things That Make You Go "Day-um" or Fucktard News (whatever...)

noreply@blogger.com (The Queen of Winstead) — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 13:47:00 +0000

Check this shit out...

TAMPA - Edmon Vardanyan, who was charged with trying to kill a couple in their 60s and attacking them several times, was indicted today in federal court.
Vardanyan, 23, of 4202 Bismarck Palm Drive, was indicted on two counts of traveling in interstate commerce with the intent to kill, injure or harass, according to court records.
Vardanyan told investigators he was hired to kill the pair because they refused to pay a debt, the complaint states. He told investigators he was paid between $800 and $1,000 and had been offered $10,000 each to kill the couple.
Grigori and Galina Komissarchuk have homes in Sarasota and Brooklyn, N.Y., and have been attacked at least four times at their homes and other places, according to federal court records. In one incident, the attacker used a hammer. Both of them suffered skull fractures and other injuries.

Now, if you read this carefully when you got to the end you said, "Day-um!"

First of all, poor assholes (Grigori and Galina) did you not begin to wonder, um, let's say after the second attack, that someone had a target on your asses. No? How about after the fucking third one??

Now, let's focus our attention on the hitman! Edmon, Edmon, Edmon! How fucking inept can one person be? You are hired to kill one or two folks and after the first attempt, well, to sum it up, you fucked up. After the second attempt, well to sum it up, you fucked up. Yet after that, you still tried,(Little Engine that could...I think I can, I think I can...). Well to sum it up, you fucked up again! Give it up, fucktard. Killing folks ain't your game!! You may have the surprise element down pat but you just can't kill folks. But you are going to jail. So if you play your cards right maybe you can hook up with O.J. or Scott Peterson and they can tutor you on the fine art of murder. You dumbass!

Fucktard news, never fails to make me smile and say DAY-UM!!!

Special shout out to Parlancheq...no baby, I did not provide the token white folks at the function. I hear a good time was had by all! Next function I'm going. I am working on my tan so I can leave 'em guessing (I have been asked frequently "What color are you"...Nawth Calina has lots color varieties!) Now before the Asshole Brigade starts in with the racism shit, my folks were on the shore waving when the first ships got here!

It is a lovely Friday and the King and I will be celebrating his birthday this weekend. Number 48. Sexy Baby!! I love you!!! Smooches!!!

Peace out...The Queen

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

noreply@blogger.com (The Queen of Winstead) — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 21:25:00 +0000

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Here's a little something to pick up your spirits...

That poor bastard above aint me...

and it aint you...

Now doesn't that make you feel better!

Valentine's Love from the Queen!

P.S. Please pray that Aretha Franklin doesn't hook up with my blog...she may get pissed that I refer to myself as the "Queen". One blow from her boobies could send me into a coma!

CONVERSATIONS AT MY CASTLE

noreply@blogger.com (The Queen of Winstead) — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 20:56:00 +0000

Little Son: (sitting on the toilet in my bathroom with the door open) Mommy, do you know what a poo-flopper is?
Me: (with the blank stare of "WTF") No, baby, what is a poo-flopper?
Little Son: (raising his little narrow ass up from the toilet and doing a back and forward motion)
It's when your poo won't come out sometimes and you have to flop your butt back and forth to get it to drop out!
*************************************************************************************
Me: (waking my husband from a sound sleep) Honey, I'm awake, roll over so you won't snore so badly.
King Hubby: Okay (proceeds to roll over)
Me: Oh, baby, guess who died yesterday? I forgot to tell you.
King Hubby: (roused by curiousity and is now leaning up on one elbow) Who?
Me: (glad it's dark, because I am grinning like a Cheshire cat) William LaPrise.
King Hubby: William LaPrise?
Me: Yeah, he was really famous for writing the "Hokey Pokey".
King Hubby: Damn, really.
Me: Yeah, everything went off without a hitch until they put him in the coffin. Then, they put his left leg in...
(Laughter ensues mainly from me because I am a sick bitch like that.)
King Hubby: Sick bitch!
**Aah! He knows me so well!**
*************************************************************************************
Little Son: What's tomorrow?
King Hubby: Saturday...yeah...no school...no work! Didn't you see Mommy do her Happy Friday dance this morning?
Litte Son: No. What is the Happy Friday dance?
King Hubby: Well...it looks kinda like your poo-flopper.
Me: (Giving deadly stink eye)

This is the shit dreams are made of...Love,
The Queen

Things That Make You Go "Day-um"

noreply@blogger.com (The Queen of Winstead) — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 23:06:00 +0000

January 10, 2008
Read the following:
NEW YORK - Two men wheeled a dead man through the streets in an office chair to a check-cashing store Tuesday and tried to cash his Social Security check before being arrested on fraud charges, police said.
David J. Dalaia and James O’Hare pushed Virgilio Cintron’s body from the Manhattan apartment that O’Hare and Cintron shared to Pay-O-Matic, about a block away, spokesman Paul Browne said witnesses told police.
“The witnesses saw the two pushing the chair with Cintron flopping from side to side and the two individuals propping him up and keeping him from flopping from side to side,” Browne said.
The men left Cintron’s body outside the store, went inside and tried to cash his $355 check, Browne said. The store’s clerk, who knew Cintron, asked the men where he was, and O’Hare told the clerk they would go and get him, Browne said.
A police detective who was having lunch at a restaurant next to the check-cashing store noticed a crowd forming around Cintron’s body, and “it’s immediately apparent to him that Cintron is dead,” Browne said.
The detective called uniformed New York Police Department officers at a nearby precinct. Emergency medical technicians arrived as O’Hare and Dalaia were preparing to wheel Cintron’s body into the check-cashing store, Browne said. Police arrested Dalaia and O’Hare there, he said.
No foul play is suspected in Cintron’s death.
Now, I have always wished that I had gone into law enforcement like my brother and my daddy. But clearly the Most Gracious God knew that I would be a total fuck up. Had I been that cop, there would have been some serious questions asked and some serious discussion.
Question 1) What the fuck are you two dumbasses thinking?! For 355.00 you took a dead man on a walk to commit check fraud! DAY-UM! I mean you gotta think about this shit. You got a corpse dressed and in a chair to roll through the streets of New York in the middle of the fucking day. What is not making sense here?
Question 2) Did ya ever consider using bungie cords to secure Mr. Stiffy’s body? Bungie cords are useful little items. Especially when you have a poor dead bastard failing around like a limp noodle on a fork. Securing the body, (just for future reference) tends to be a little less conspicuous than you two fucktards trying to keep him upright in an office chair, which leads me to:
Question 3) Couldn’t you guys find a friend that owns a real honest to goodness wheelchair? I mean come on! An office chair. Brilliant!!! No, well, you’re wheeling around Mr. Stiffy, your DEAD room mate, you could have hit some other buddy in the leg, ass, pecker…requiring him the use of a wheelchair for at least a couple of days. Oh, you guys are tough enough to do that. You just reenacted fucking Weekend at Bernies. Then you just dump his ass out and take Mr. Stiffy for a stroll in style.
Question 4) Just what the hell were you going to do when you got Mr. Stiffy inside the check cashing store? Have you got fishing line tied to his jaw? Is one of you a ventriloquist? How was this convo going down? Shit!!!
Bored? Down? Depressed? Look at the latest fucktard news and just say DAY-UM!!!
Later…The Queen

Invitation????

noreply@blogger.com (The Queen of Winstead) — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 21:57:00 +0000

In the office where I work, is a very nice lady that is Afro American. (Is that fucking politically correct anymore or what?) Her second job is working for a black congressman. (Surely, one of those will be politically correct.) I think I got invited to a "function".
This is the conversation as she was leaving today.
Her: Don't forget my function on Saturday.
Me: What function?
Her: The fund raiser for my boss.
Me: How much are the tickets?
Her: Don't worry about it. I'm working the door.
Me: I'll try, but they are installing high-speed internet at my house Saturday.
Her: Just come, just drop by.
Me: I'll try!
Her: Okay, bye, baby!
Me: Bye
20 seconds pass by and she enters the door of the office.
Her: Just come! I need bodies!
Me: Okay, okay..
Her: I need white folks bodies!!!!
Me: Well, I'll just load up the fuckin' Ford flat bed with all my kin and we'll come on!
Her: Are they lighter than you?
Me: I'll bring the really white ones...not the Indian side of the family!
Did I just get invited to a function or am I the token white chick????
Still gotta love her!
Hope her function goes well. Bitch!!!!

Get Your Ass To Work!

noreply@blogger.com (The Queen of Winstead) — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 21:40:00 +0000

Thursday night, 8:45pm.

Tuck little son into bed for the fourth time.

Wash face.

Pee.

Get fresh glass of white wine.

Grab ciggies and ashtray.

Pull back covers.

Plump pillows.

Rumble through drawer for favorite pink tee shirt nightie.

Find it and change.

Scratch.

Turn on TV.

Sip wine.

(Ahhh)

Kiss the King.

(Double Ahhhh)

Grey's Anatomy....hells yes!!!! Perfect way to end the day...can't fucking wait!

Can anyone say
RE-FUCKING-RUN!!!!!

CUSSING ENSUES! WILD RANTS! CHANTS AND ENCANTATIONS!

FUCK HEADS! 6 EPISODES SHOWN OVER AND OVER FOR 6 MONTHS!!!!

Now I know why....

GET YOUR ASS BACK TO WORK , HO! (and a whiney ho at that)
I NEED NEW EPISODES!

Read and Love Daily

noreply@blogger.com (The Queen of Winstead) — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 21:12:00 +0000

Down at the bottom, you will see the Read and Love Daily links. I have been reading these folks for a couple of years. Sometimes I comment, sometimes I don't, sometimes the blog will not allow it. However, every blogger likes to know that they are read so to each of the bloggers that I have listed below, a little props for ya!
Elle the Pirate-A woman after my own heart. I still think I could take her in the beer drinking department, but that bitch can cuss!!! Love her, love her!
Dirk-Intelligent, piss your pants humor! I am praying he will get a true love or just hot sex really soon! One talented individual!
Avitable-sick like me! Love that man and tells it to you straight up like it T I is!
Certifiable Princess-Another extremely talented writer. Makes you cry on Tuesday, laugh on Wednesday and enrage you on Thursday. Love her too!
Angry Black Bitch-This woman makes me want to kiss her feet. Intelligent, informed and DOES SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Gotta love her!
Steve's Nude Memphis-Steve is informative and funny as shit! Try him out...he won't mind!
Waiter Rant-Ever waited tables? This guy can write a book...literally!
Parlancheq-This chick comes up with the craziest websites and shit! Try her out!
I think that's all of the crew. They are so much fun and so talented. Reading them daily is a joy! Love to all of you! The Queen

It's Friday...Finally!

noreply@blogger.com (The Queen of Winstead) — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 20:17:00 +0000

January 11, 2008
It is finally Friday folks after a particularly long week. I am a happy little bitch for that one fact.
I’ve spent most of the day perusing news items, stalking other blogs and for the life of me can’t come up with any good blog fodder. So, it’s just random thoughts for today!
Over heard conversations between my two hellions. Teen Son to Little Son: Come on! Time to get up!
Little Son: Stop it, Bubbie! I haven’t slept in three weeks.
Teen Son: Sorry! (said with all sincerity)
Guess when you are 16 and all of your blood flows to one spot, you’ll fall for anything!
Conversations I didn’t overhear but wish I had:
Teen Son: Mama, did you just hear what Little Brother called me?
Queen: No, what did he call you?
Teen Son: A penis!
Queen: Little Son, did you call your brother a penis?
Little Son: No, Mom. I called him a Jalopenis on a Stick!
Gotta love Jeff Dunham and Jose the Jalapeno on a Stick!

Weekend things…
I am going to scour my house this weekend. Thanksgiving, Christmas and a ton of company has made my home look like a crime scene.
I am going to my first “rally” this evening. The story is too heartbreaking and way to complicated. Suffice it to say, it really affected a lot of people in my home town. Go here to read about it: http://www.justiceforbrittany.com/. Pray for this family! I’d really love to hear any feedback on this from anyone that reads about this case.
Have a great weekend!
The Queen

Thanks, my husband! I love you very much.