Thank you, God...it's Friday and that is good!

Yes, it has finally come and I only have one more hour of work today and then...game on...weekend! God certainly knew that we needed weekends, therefore it was! Yes, I believe that God created all things good. Wine, shopping, roses, wine, weekends, the beach, cats, dogs, kids (until they are 13) wine, cigarettes, sex, I Love Lucy, Andy Griffith, boob implants, wine...well, the list goes on but you get the general idea.

Then there are snakes. I know that it says in the bible that God made snakes. I have had this conversation with my evangelical seven year old. But I absolutely detest snakes. I will run over them and back up to run over them again. One day we came across a nasty-ass-rotten-heathen snake sunning in the road. I judged my distance, slowed down very slow to really crunch him and then baby son says, "Mom, they are God's creatures. He made them too." After much discussion, (still keeping my eye on the nasty-ass-rotten-heathen snake) I finally gave up and I said with all of my mommy-wisdom that has been bestowed upon me, "He made 'em but he don't like 'em either." (Imagine Clint Eastwood's voice, complete with squint and cigarette hanging out of my mouth as I jam the car in reverse to run over this snake for the sixth time.) "How do you know that, Mom?" asked this angel of love and compassion. "Because they ain't got no legs! They made God mad and he took 'em away!"

Thinking of that conversation reminded me of one that the King and I had last weekend. He was on the ladder in our bathroom changing out blown light bulbs in the ceiling fixture. He put the last bulb in and we turned on the switch illuminating with about 600 watts! I like it bright. Automatically, as with anything good, you need to be thankful. I was as I remarked, "And God said Let there be light and all was good in the hood!"

Now I know why I have never taught Sunday School!

Ya'll have a great weekend! Muwah...The Queen

A Selection From The Queen's Bedtime Storybook

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.

The crocodile looked up and said,'Hey you!'So the koala looked down at him and said,'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...How much water did you drink!?'

Happy Thursday, ya'll! Love, The Queen

Quick post 'cause I gots to do better...

An open letter to Annie: (my nail technician)

Dear Annie (which by the way, I am 110% sure that is not your birth name),

It is so fucking hard to find one hour every two weeks to take the time to visit your facility and get my nails all prettied up. But I do. You see, I am a really prissy bitch so not having pretty nails burns me a new anal orifice. (Look that one up in your translation dictionary).

However, having to go back two days after you do them because you didn't let the fucking gel cure correctly on my little fingertips is a real pisser.

What's worse, dear one, is when two days after you half-assed the repair, the gel started to chip again making my little french tips look like sun baked fish scales glued on my long but lovely fingers!

And to top it off, you charged me $30.oo, expected your customary $5.00 tip and then had the nerve to ask the chick in charge, (the only one that can speak and understand the King's English)if there was a charge for the repair that happened because you fucked up!!

Well, Annie, there happens to be about 5678 different nail salons in town. So this week when I can steal away to get my nails done I will go to Susie's Number 1 Perfect Nail, Lee Top Nail, Wong's Long Dong Nail and let Susie, Lee or Mr. Long Dong perform their magic on my nails! Not you!

Thank you for the really bad nail job and I hope your regs, I mean legs, grow together!!!

Sincerely,

The Queen

Damn,how time flies when you don't blog! Or...I'm a lazy bitch!

This is my first post of 2009 which wouldn’t be so bad but it is June and here in my neck of the woods it is hotter than Satan’s armpit. Also, the humidity is a bitch!
I have no idea why I have always lived in the south, southeast, shit, North Carolina. I was born here. I have some remaining family here. I have some friends here. The beach and the mountains are not more than 2-3 hours away at best. But given all that, I should have left for a while anyway.
My husband pulled up stakes and left for California in his twenties. He’s been a goldminer, a cowboy/ranch hand, and a bartender to name a few. He tells me these stories and I can’t imagine. No goldmining for me! I am claustrophobic and well, it just wouldn’t go over real well when I hyperventilate and have a bad period at the same time. Cowboy? I’m scared shitless of horses and refuse to wear a hat due to “hat hair”. I have always envied a couple of my friends because they look so cool in a ball cap. It’s fucks with my doo and that is not good! Bartending is another no-go for me. I LOVE a good cold beer or twelve and can talk the horns off of a billy goat. Soon, I’d forget which side of the bar I was supposed to be on. Customers? What customers?
Needless to say, I probably would not have survived moving away from all that is familiar to me. Nope, I probably have done the right thing by being a citizen of Mayberry. Which one, though?
Helen? Nope, Helen was always a little on the uppity side for me!

Thelma Lou?
Way too sweet! Also, led by Helen…Uppity!


The there is the older folks…Clara Edwards…

Too damned nosy and two-faced. A shit-stirrer!

Awww, everybody loved Charlene Darling! I hate ribbons in any grown woman’s hair…sorry!



Well, that leaves this one:

Yep, always, happy Otis…
Okay, folks, first and maybe last post of 2009! Let’s go have a drink and toast the NEW YEAR!!! (I’ll drink to that!) Love, The Queen AKA Otis Campbell